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Confessions of a Studio Owner by the Compressor
The Compressor is Big Brother

I once had to shift piles of stuff in my garden for my Grandad, and used a wheelbarrow with a wheel that squeaked so loudly, it made your teeth itch. I asked for some oil to lube the wheel to which he replied: ‘If I give you the oil, how will I hear you working?’

Many moons ago, Sony came out with something called the Babycam, a small camera that went above a baby’s cot, and was connected to a small monitor, enabling the parents to sit in the lounge, whilst keeping one eye on their precious. Which works well, until your Mother in law comes to stay….which she did. Whilst watching some boring Kevin Costner film, my wife gave me the code which basically indicated that for the first time in a few months, my luck might be in (the code being a sharp kick to the shin seeing as you’re asking.)

As I lay in bed 12 minutes later, smoking a fag, I actually felt my blood turn to ice and a rising sensation of nausea overwhelm me. I had left the small monitor on! In the lounge…on the coffee table…3 feet in front of the outlaw’s eyes! I sneaked into the lounge and to my relief the lights were off, and the monitor was asleep. It was only the next morning over cereal that I realized perhaps all wasn’t well….a wink, a nudge…a little smile was all the proof I needed that she had quite possibly seen her son-in-law performing the crouching soldier position with her daughter….not one I would normally do in public! Maybe the Mexican Cartwheel…but NEVER the crouching soldier.

Which brings me to my new camera system. I have a number of cameras dotted around my complex, which all link into a security system and are recorded on a hard drive. With a click of a mouse, you can watch any one of the 8 cameras at anytime over the last 30 days! Which can be interesting.

For example, we used to have a cleaner who charged me for 2 hours a day, before we all got in. Well, firstly, it was fair to say that I could have done it in an hour. Secondly, it never looked very clean. One day I came in early….and there was no sign of the cleaner. So I sat in front of my screen and rewound the tape. I watched in awe as she arrived at 7:30, with boyfriend in tow. He racked up the pool table, while she walked around spraying a can of air freshener around the studio! A quick frame later, they were in the car and off! Needless to say, I called and asked how the cleaning was going? Did she have everything she needed? Was 2 hours enough time for her as the place was so big? Any why did she spend 19 minutes playing pool whilst charging me £12:50 per hour for the privilege? Bitch! Needless to say she left that day.

Since then I have, when the occasion demands enjoyed this new technology.  I used it to help the local police catch some thieves who had broken in to the place next door…all caught on my cameras…I have used it tell some chavs that if they park on my forecourt again, and dump their BK wrappers by my front door….I will simply kill them by stabbing them…I’ve seen a neighbour nicking a bit of my rosemary from my herb garden…and worst of all, someone having a jod in the control room!

Well now, it’s even better. With a bit of wifi technology, I can see all 8 screens on my lap top….which is great. With my new desk-top 8 camera viewing gallery, I can see everything from the comfort of my office. I can see if the producer needs a coffee without going in the Control Room. I can see if the kitchen needs cleaning…if the lounge is in an acceptable state….if the landlord is the guy ringing my door bell trying to get last month’s rent….but best of all, I can see if my assistant is doing any work, or if he’s sat in the Control Room having a sneaky kip! I’ve turned into my Grandad!

TTFN

The Compressor