The Compressor wakes up in a cold sweat

I woke up last night….in a cold sweat….remembering a horrific event that happened to me a few years ago. This story goes under the ‘Trials of a Studio Owner!’ I had visited the studio early one morning to prepare the studio for the arrival of GOD….ie…a very important producer. I hoovered whilst the missus dusted and all was looking perfect. If I could land this whale, as they call them in Vegas, we were off to the races. GOD was looking for a studio that he could call home…this was important. Popped for a final wee and put the kettle on to make a coffee whilst I awaited the Holy arrival.

Out of the corner of my eye I glanced across at the monitor which is linked to a security camera overlooking our front door. Next to the front door had appeared a very large mound of what appeared to be…mud. As I walked towards the tv screen my blood ran cold as one part of me wondered what this new earthly arrival could be….whilst the other part of me knew exactly what it was. I froze and ordered my wife to look at the tv screen.

It could only be one thing….it was a poo mountain!   Next to the front door was a drain cover which had been blown off it’s hinges by a tsunami of crap. Oh my fucking God….15 minutes until the Pope arrives and I’ve got shit mountain staring at me.

I ran down to the front door and stood staring at quite simply the worst sight I have ever seen…sorry about this…but it was around 12 inches high and quite literally steaming in the Winter sunshine.

My wife, who is made of sterner stuff than me….took control…..and ordered me to hold the bin liner while she took a shovel and started to scoop the stuff into the bag….it was horrific…..I thought I was going to pass out. I had to walk away…gagging uncontrollably leaving her in doors to handle the situation on her own….I felt helpless…useless…and in an odd way….slightly abused. Observing sweet corn from 5 metres (there’s always sweet corn) I asked myself do I really need this in my life?

With 5 minutes to go…the front courtyard had been jet hosed and bleached clean as GOD pulled up. With a nonchalant wave we welcomed him into the house and made our guest feel as important as he really really was/is. After the long journey the bathroom was required…..yes you can guess the rest. Whilst he flushed…I stared at the screen….as I watched a slight bubbling turn into another….smaller…but highly relevant hillock of chocolate. I genuinely thought I was going to pass out…it was like a scene off Fawlty Towers where Basil hunches up into a ball and jumps up and down. I had to grab the radiator to stay upright as my head spun…Whale? I was looking at plankton here….word would spread….I would be knows as Shit Studios…your day rate includes E Coli!

However, in the end we survived. The whale laughed….I gagged again and we set about a fix. After a portaloo delivery (it felt like a festival)….a bit of JCB action, a repaired collapsed sewage pipe and a lot of worry we fixed our problem. But, and this is the truth, even though the drain cover has been concreted over….I still check the screen everytime I hear the toilet flush…just in case.

The moral? Always expect the unexpected and you’ll be ok! Sorry for having to share this gruesome tale but it would have been rude not to!!

TTFN

The Compressor