The Compressor – Part C22 of his amazing saga – Fate

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Jun 042010
 

The Compressor – Part C22 – Fate

As many of you know….the Compressor is not a religious man. I have a simple problem when it comes to joining the dots. I have tried, believe me I have tried…but when I go to Church, I have three emotions.

One, when you’re stood in the women’s underwear section of M&S for 2 hours waiting for the missus, your face starts to sag and a black cloud descends onto your very soul. That’s how I feel. Second, it’s like attending a Tony Robbins meeting…you know…10,000 people at Wembley Arena being told to unleash the beast (having each paid £1500 to attend.) I look around, and I seriously ask myself….what does everyone here see that I don’t? Finally, I feel like a fraud. When all the punters go up to take wine and a bit of bread, I stay in my pew being stared at like I’m bloody leper….or Jewish. Anyway, I don’t feel like I should be there….so sorry.

Well, moving on….I may not believe in God, but I do believe that every action has a reaction. In 2004, I was made redundant from a former life. I had no idea what to do, so I spent the days in my garage on my little studio that I had set up when I had reformed my band (see C16: The Mission from God.) I had an Pro tools HD set up and started composing scores which no one would listen to.

One night, her-in woke me up with the words you never want to hear: ‘there’s someone downstairs…’

After listening to my own heartbeat for a while, I concluded that all wasn’t right. We sneaked downstairs. The conservatory joins the kitchen and the lounge. The lounge doors usually stayed locked as we always accessed it through the kitchen.….well through the closed glass lounge doors my missus sees the torch moving around.

And she starts screaming. When I say scream…I am talking guttural, base animalistic wailing…hysteria everywhere. I run into the kitchen and hit the lights. In front of me, the kitchen window is flapping open against the black night sky. I start screaming too: ‘I’m going to kill you..you F… C…. etc etc. In one move I have taken the carving knife from my draw and I’m heading towards the conservatory. By the way…I’m naked, and my willy has inverted itself into my body…I now look like a girl. Every nerve ending in my skin is on fire. I swear…I am ready to be killed or to kill.

I enter the conservatory and hit the lights. My dog opens his eye and looks at me….but there’s no geezer. I check the lounge doors but they’re locked. I check the door to the garden…but it’s locked. The only other place to hide is the utility room the other side of the kitchen. Shit, he must have run fast to get there. I am now screaming..’come out or you are f….. dead!’ Nothing….just a closed door. I approach with caution and open the door and shove my knife into the………empty room. Shit…..what is going on? Meanwhile, my wife is alternating between telling me to stop whilst calling the police.

I run out into my front garden….and now I have no willy at all. No burglers. The cops arrive. Long story short…he was OUTSIDE the conservatory pointing his torch in through the window at my dog! He had crow barred my window but had not entered the building. In his haste to run away from the naked, knife wielding madman…he had dropped his booty from my neighbour’s house who he had burgled before me….including keys that were by their bed! To end the evening the policeman said to me they always come back, be on your guard.’ Thanks a lot. I stayed awake for a week watching out of my window until finally I slept….which was the night they came back and emptied my shed including my racing bikes.

Within a week we had moved abroad…..within 3 months we had sold the house and were never to return. After a year though the niggles set in…I thought about home, I thought about my neighbourhood and I kept thinking how living abroad took away your identity a little. I kept thinking about my studio and my film scores…I was bored…and I wanted to set up a business. When it hit me…..I would build a studio.

The studio started as an idea and became a reality and we were soon back home, in a different house. My studio has introduced me to quite possibly the most amazing people I have ever met, many of whom have now become friends. In fact my entire social circle has changed and revolves around everyone I have met through my studio.

I can’t say that the burglary was behind my decision to build the studio, but without I would still be living in the same house, with my little set up in my garage. Admittedly, I would be richer financially….but poorer as a person.

Maybe it was best the burglar hadn’t got in…..I probably would have been locked away for killing someone. Every action has a reaction!

TTFN

The Compressor

 Posted by recordpr at 10:50 pm  Tagged with: , ,

Confessions of a Studio Owner – Pt 21

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May 292010
 

The Compressor – C21: Women and Work

The Compressor is confused. Over the last month we have had a band staying with us recording an album, a good bunch of guys, but very prone to the use of vile language……so they fitted in perfectly. I’m not proud, my studio is a male dominated area and most of the talk revolves around guitars, football and beer. At one point this week we were arguing with said client over the origins of a particularly commonly used word.

This word has Germanic cognates including old Norse (kunta), middle-Dutch (Kunte) and possibly High German (Kotze meaning prostitute), which all point to a pre-historic germanic ancestor kunton. A Latin word, Kuntus, meaning wedge, might also have been an influence. The word would appear to have entered the English language during the early Middle Ages; in 1230AD, both Oxford and London boasted districts called ‘Gropecunte Lane’, in reference to the prostitutes that worked there. The Oxford lane was later renamed the slightly less-contentious Magpie Lane, while London’s version retained a sense of euphemism when it was changed to ‘Threadneedle Street’. Records do not show whether it was a decision of intentional irony that eventually placed the Bank of England there.

The word has good Shakespearian usage, though even he was a little subtle. Hamlet asks whether he can lie in Ophelia’s lap, ‘I mean, my head upon your lap?’ and then says ‘Do you think I meant country matters?’ and follows up with ‘It is a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs’. Ophelia answers non-committally to most of this. A slightly more bawdy use of the word appears in Carry On Don’t Lose Your Head, one of a series of British comedy films of the 1960s, in which actress Joan Sims refers to her husband, ‘The Count’, deliberately pronouncing the word ‘Count’ with just enough room to be (mis)interpreted while still getting past the British film censors.

There is a story in Oxford that one of the religious societies in England’s oldest university was the Cambridge University New Testament Society, though that has the whiff of urban legend about it. And more recently, there is a rumour that the former Newcastle Polytechnic had got to the stage of printing their letterheads with the name City University, Newcastle upon Tyne before noticing what they were doing.

Other Universities can also be hotbeds of a certain inspired madness. Late in 2000, feminists in Penn State in the USA held a ‘C***fest’ with the stated objective of reclaiming the word, which, according to Inga Muscio in her book C***: A Declaration of Independence, stems from words that were ‘either titles of respect for women, priestesses and witches, or derivatives of goddesses’ names’. (Though how that squares with what the dictionaries say is not entirely clear). Not surprisingly, the local community did not see the event in quite the same way.

The expression See You Next Tuesday is also frequently used as a term of endearment. Well, I reflected on this debate and thanked the Big Man, who I don’t believe in, that there were no women in the building…..and then it got me thinking…and I got worried.

Why aren’t there any women in studios? How came we only have men? Sure, we’ve had female artists, and some of the best studio managers are women….but what about engineers and producers?

In an earlier Compressor article I talked about the role of the Producer. Let’s re-cap: the Producer is the ultimate project manager right? Well, some of the best project managers in the World are female. They can multi-task in a way that men can only dream of. Why are women successful in business? Because they don’t carry the testosterone fuelled macho rubbish that we men have to bear. They are highly unlikely to use one of my favourite expressions: ‘Get out of my office or I’ll stamp on your face!’

Who better to organize the studio, negotiate rates, ship in the session musicians, sort out the pre-pro, arrange the songs, book the engineer, the mix, the mastering and finally get the best out of the artist? If it’s a male band, they’ll be like putty in the hands of the female producer. If the artist is female….well they’ll feel at ease immediately.

Look at TV and film….loads of women dictating policy…..reducing men to quaking lumps of jelly.

You heard it here first. Women should be in the studio, behind the glass….and the Compressor is going to start cleaning up his act starting today! Fuck….I meant tomorrow.

TTFN

The Compressor

 Posted by recordpr at 1:54 pm  Tagged with: ,

Confessions of a Studio Owner: Pt 20, The Compressor Cleans Up

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May 162010
 

Confessions of a Studio Owner:
Pt 20, The Compressor Cleans Up

Well, Spring is here! The Daffs are done, the house martins are nesting and the evenings are getting longer, and the sunsets look good with ash from Iceland. There is something uplifting about this time of Year. It’s a bit like watching the Saturday Morning Cookery Show…the whole weekend (year) is ahead of you and the fun is about to start (unlike when you’re watching Songs of Praise, the cloud of depression starts to form and you know that it’s all over.)

Well, given that it’s Spring, I figured it was time for a Spring Clean. What needed cleaning…my costs! I dusted off my spreadsheet again and decided that I would split my costs in to two buckets: fixed and variable. I looked at the past year and decided what what was a recurring item and what wasn’t.

I’ll be honest with you….being a studio owner, means you are caught between a rock and a hard place.
You scratch your head and wonder what on earth can be done to get the sums to add up? And I’ve been scratching my head for years now.  You do one of three things:

i) NEVER look at your costs or your bank account regularly: put your head in the sand and pretend it’s going to be ok
ii) Look at your costs (every day) and realize that there is nothing you can do
iii) Put the kettle on and have a nice cup of tea

I decided that I would tackle (ii) and see what could be done. I asked a producer this week….if artists aren’t recording at my place, then where are producers going…answer: at home! Producers are in an impossible position too. One Prod was asked to mix an album for £1000! How does that work? That’s bollocks. It’s official….we are in a very shitty market right now….you have to be tough.

What was striking was how little I could do to reduce costs! The rent, corporation tax, the salaries, utilities etc are pretty much fixed for ever. The variables are the gear going wrong and any investment in new stuff. Well, I don’t know about you, but I figured something out pretty quickly. If I’m booked Monday until Thursday lunch time…then I break even. Thursday lunch time until Sunday evening is profit, which is great if I’m booked 7 days a week which I’m not.

Can I raise prices? Well. I’m not sure I can. Every studio I know is faced with the same problem…..our clients are squeezed on budgets…..which means price pressure will be there for the foreseeable future. As I have said in the past, markets are normally pretty efficient, so in the end a number of studios will close down rather than fight a lost cause.

Therefore, the Compressor has made a few decisions. Firstly, there are no sacred cows! I have been through every cost item and done the necessary. If it doesn’t piss the client off, we lose it. I took the view that £10 a day saved is £3650 a year! With a bit of imagination we have found around £20,000. It may hurt in the short term but it’s the right thing to do.
Sack the cleaner: split up the rota between us: kitchen, bathrooms, beds, lounge, studio. Daily clean split and sorted.
Lose the accountant: we have taken 90% of it in house. Sage installed and the missus takes care of all admin, VAT and tax (before you say anything, she has no experience.)

Lose the launderers!  My wife washes the sheets, I iron!  We were paying thousands a year for this! It sounds crap, but if I’m watching footie in the evening, I may as well have the ironing board out, which I now do. Ironing a dozen duvets isn’t fun….but we’re in survival mode!

Hide the coffee machine! Nescafe and milk does the job. We were spending £5000 a year on coffee and milk…..and the clients haven’t even noticed (we keep a stash of proper coffee in the office for producers!)

Switch suppliers. We’ve slashed our telephone and electricity bills by being bothered to shop around

Check insurance quotes. We got 40% knocked off last year’s bill by shopping around.

Lose the water cooler and fit a filter system! Saves cash and mess.

Watch the extras: log the cdr’s, dvd’s, batteries, guitar strings etc.

Lose Sky….freeview is just as good and…it’s free!

Find a local tech guy to repair things. We have a good man nearby. He fixed one of our compressors for £50 overnight. Cost of goods (£3000.) Cost to repair at factory….£400 and 4 weeks….piss off!

Can the staff lunch….sorry…no can do.

I don’t know if that helps, but it’s the small things that add up to big things! Clients understand as they suffering too. Employees understand as they want to keep their jobs! I could tell you what I’m doing to ramp up revenues…but I would have to kill you

Now, where’s my kettle?

TTFN

The Compressor

 Posted by recordpr at 11:44 am  Tagged with:

Confessions of A Studio Owner: The Compressor’s Manifesto!

 Compressor  1 Response »
May 162010
 

Confessions of A Studio Owner:
Part 19, The Compressor’s Manifesto!

Warning: Contains strong personal opinion by The Compressor.
We should have titled: The Compressor becomes the Distressor!

All views expresses here are of The Compressor and may not reflect our opinions!

Well, it’s a couple of days after Election day and ‘call me Dave’ and Nick from X Factor are trying to cobble together a team. I smiled when Jacqui Smith went down…remember the porn watching husband? Similarly when Nick Griffin fell….I raised a fist….tw@t! And a Greenie got in..who would have thought? Mind you, so did that absolute k&%b cheese Ed Bollocks and his wife…who cares about her name?..I hate her. Finally, Lembit Opik will make his move into celebrity having been seen off. What a bunch of fools.

Believe it or not, this was my first vote and I found it quite confusing. I wouldn’t say I’m the sharpest blade in the kitchen, but I’m not a total thicko. However, I found it very difficult to understand what the main messages were from the different parties. It got me thinking…what do I want to hear?

I thought about what I really wanted to hear and what upset me and I came up with the following:

Democracy: As an MP, you have been charged with representing your constituency with integrity. You can have an allowance to cover staying in a motel in London, if required, but don’t take the piss. The additional costs incurred to represent your constituents in London should be met by the tax payer but will be limited to 2nd class travel, a food allowance for meals and an accommodation allowance…just like in business. No duck houses, no manure, no flipping of properties. If you’re caught cheating in any capacity, including taking the Country to War on a lie, you will be sacked for gross misconduct….just like in business.

Economy: the Country simply has revenues and costs. The rest is noise. The revenues need to be divided between the priorities (Health, Defence, Education, Arts, Sports etc.) The policy towards each priority would change, but in general I believe a 10 to 20 year plan can be devised and stuck to. I would try and factor in variance in the Economy (and therefore the income) but hopefully over time, the Countries income could be predicted pretty accurately. This would allow a clear, articulate approach to investing in our future.

On costs, I would review each Department and where possible I would privatize everything! Defence, Police etc would be managed by the State but everything else I would try and privatize encouraging competition, efficiency and choice. Governments shouldn’t run businesses….period. Most of them have never had a real job, a P&L or a balance sheet. Oh, and keep the £!

Immigration: Sorry, enough. I’m not a racist. This country is too small, so a controlled approach to immigration should be applied….and if people choose to leave the Country then a net approach is acceptable.

Welfare: I believe a helping hand should be available when trouble strikes. However, after 6 months…get a job. Benefits culture breeds dependency.

Health: I love the NHS. My best mate’s a Doctor, but it’s a broken machine. Privatise it.

Education: Give teachers the power to discipline. As my Maths teacher said: ‘those who want to learn: listen and I will make you a jedi of numbers! Those of you who want to mess around: F*@k off and leave the room.’ That was it. Make teaching the great profession it is and reward the teachers. Remove the admin, empower the teachers and reward effort and hard work with the kids who want it. Do not force kids together if it means those that want to learn, can’t.

Employment: re-introduce the apprentice scheme and give it backing. Motivate companies to take on young hard working kids and teach them what to do. Equalize the pension irregularities between State and Private…which you do by privatizing everything.

Defence: Keep our boys in equipment and resources. The World’s a dangerous place…especially with those mad dogs in Iran. We need a tough Army, Navy and RAF.

Arts:

Hugely important, particularly recording music…..at my studio! Kill the BBC. Privatise it. Why should I pay a license fee…piss off.

Taxation

Taxation would be simplified and kept stable. Money would be saved for the future if trouble strikes. Keep it simple.

Families

If you’re gay, straight, married or the other other one…I don’t really care. What I do think is that kids grow up better in a stable home.  Think about that before you buy one from Africa.

Central Government: Since 1997 Labour have created a million new jobs…..er….in the Government! What is the socialist model? Get everyone to work for the State and recycle their tax? F$&k off.  You want a strong private sector, encouraging people to build businesses and grow their profits and therefore taxes. I hate Diversity inspectors telling me to hire one legged black lesbians. Labour have killed this country, which they did last time. Gordon Brown and Tony Blair should be put in a glass box, naked in Trafalgar Square for a month.

Final note: for all you tree huggers who disagree with me….I couldn’t give a rat’s arse what you think. There, the Compressor has spoken.

However, the question remains…..why would I want to be a politician? If I want long hours…complaints….criticism…..for little reward….I’ll stay at my studio desk!!

TTFN

 Posted by recordpr at 11:37 am  Tagged with:

The Compressor – Confessions of a Studio Owner – Part 18

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Apr 202010
 


The Compressor and quite possibly the most expensive lunch bill ever…..or The Compressor gets one up the clacker from his mate!

Many of you have been kind enough to write to me recently saying how much you enjoyed a recent piece I wrote about my wine story in Tokyo (The Compressor 15…..The Yakuza…The Mistress….The Wine….The advance.) For those who missed it, basically I raided a table of £5,000 worth of wine that had been left behind by an arguing couple!

Well, I have another story that I HAVE to share. As always, being the chosen one, I take very seriously the responsibility I carry on my shoulders…namely, the obligation to brighten up your day, coupled with an underlying moral message!

Being a studio owner has it’s moments. For whatever reason I have a few clients ask me for advice (how old must I look?) The one thing I have always stressed to artists, if they are signing up to management, signing a record deal, signing a publishing deal, or entering into any agreement is to make sure the read the SMALL print. Lurking innocuously on Page 14 will be the clause that will nail your dreams just when you start to make things happen. If you’re thick, or you can’t be arsed, then hire a lawyer who can do the reading for you.

I have a very, very worthwhile example of this. Like all my adventures, they are completely and utterly true, and I will swear on my children’s life that they have all taken place!

This story takes place in the desert state of Dubai…a fabled resort renowned for reconciling footballers marriages, incomplete fantasy buildings, chavs, hookers and…oh yes…Mossad assassins!

We had gone on holiday with our best friends, and it was my mates wife’s 40th. My mate was adamant that we were having lunch at the Burj al Arab (a 7 star hotel that doesn’t look like a sail) and that he would be picking up the tab. My half-hearted protestations were thankfully rebuffed and having sorted out the kids, we were ushered, via limo towards the shrine of bling! The foyer of the hotel took gauche to a new level. False jugs wrestled with fake handbags amidst a sea of wealthy looking Arab types. We were whisked up to the top floor bar, the highest hotel bar in the world, where the view was simply breathtaking…if you like building sites. The windows lean outwards, so if you’re afraid of heights…

Lunch was 40 floors down to the basement in a seafood restaurant where a 30 foot wall is a fish tank with sharks! An amazing spectacle. If any of you have eaten up-market, you will know that it is custom for the host to be the only one handed a menu with prices (in this case United Arab Emirate Dirhams.) Our menus were priceless….boom, boom. The wives got gassing and me and my mate started drinking.

My mate began to order the wine…Laurent Perrier Rose followed by a Puligny Montrachet, and that was before the starters had arrived! I asked him if he was sure about his generous offer..and given that I knew a little more about wine than he did…would he like me to help him? He was again, adamant in his defence….’you always treat me…this time it’s my turn! Now please, Compressor….don’t interfere again!’

At which point he ordered a Hermitage La Chappelle, a Lafite, and a Margeaux. The Sommelier looked nervous and enquired if Monsieur was certain with his choice. My mate waved him away with an order for a Muscat with pud and finally, thank God a Port.

Seven hours later, and as drunk as a skunk the bill arrived. My mate stared at the bill….quietly turned to me…and whispered ‘It’s more than I thought it was going to be…it’s £650!’

‘Holy Shit…I exclaimed! That’s a lot of fucking money….show me the bill.’

Wives: ‘Is everything all right?’….

‘Yes, yes of course…all under control.’

As I stared at the bill….I actually felt Timothy Turtle Head start to shout ‘I’m coming!’ Mr Brown was in reception and needed to check out fast! I was about to shit myself.

The bill wasn’t £650. He had been ordering wine using the wrong exchange rate…He had been dividing the amount by 65 instead of 6.5…the official rate. The bill was in fact £6,500!

We were now completely and utterly fucked. We were in a country where they lock you up for anything. Forget blow-jobs on the beach…you get banged up here if you have a frickin Nurofen in your pocket.

‘What are we going to do?’ my mate asked.

‘WE…WE…what do you mean WE? I’ve been asking you all day to show me the wine list..but oh no…you knew better…you wanted to be the Man…the one who would take control…you didn’t want my help. Now you’ve completely fucked it up and suddenly it’s….WE. Fuck off you C**T before I stab you!!’

By now, not only had the wives stopped talking….so had the entire restaurant…and the Management were watching us very closely. My mate started to cry quietly and I knew it was time for the chosen one to lead the way. ‘Have you got a credit card and what’s the limit?’ I asked him. We conferred, split the bill and paid up. I used 4 credit cards and it took me a year to pay off the debt.

A lunch with friends had cost me £3250. Only recently have we started to laugh about it. In fact I’m having lunch with him this Sunday..at my house before you ask.

Do I need to repeat the moral? CHECK THE SMALL PRINT!!!!!

Remember, the Compressor is here to tell you about his mistakes, to save you making them….watch, read and learn Grasshopper and you too may achieve greatness. For those of you struggling in the dark….write to compressor123@hotmail.com and you will see the light.

TTFN

The Compressor

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Editors note:  The Compressor has gone to ground.  He may be one of the many stranded by the Icelandic Volcano or indeed be in the studio working with our in house rock star, Jimmi Volcano.  Whatever, we hope he sends more instalments soon.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 Posted by recordpr at 9:11 pm  Tagged with:

The Compressor – Confessions of a Studio Owner

 Compressor  Comments Off
Mar 272010
 

The Compressor continues his saga:

Recently, I had a producer in who fancied a drink. I said to her-in that I was going for a quick beer after work. At 7 in the morning I stumbled in the front door with a plan so cunning, you could put at tail on it and call it a weasel. I undressed downstairs and walked into the bedroom naked. I would slip under the duvet making out I had been to toilet downstairs….and she would be none the wiser.

Except she was sat up in bed….drinking a cup of tea….crying…on the phone to her mother…which wasn’t good.

Why do we do it? What is it about that golden period between the 3rd and 10th pint that transforms us into gibbering wrecks, who for some reason believe that our pot bellies have disappeared and we’re suddenly irresistible to the opposite sex? I don’t know either. The topics covered in our conversation were varied, but often drifted back towards my new idea for Cocktail studios. Many of you have written to me commenting on my epiphany, but the reality is it’s nothing new. It’s already being done! I’m just going to copy it in my country.

For those of you in the dark, the business model goes something like this: some of my producer colleagues got fed up with being unable to get into the studios of their choice, which meant having to commute elsewhere. They figured that if they had their own studio, they could work in the same place daily. This would in turn allow them to pocket the costs that they were having to pay out to other studios. Which on paper looks great. The problems come when the producer stops being busy. As any studio owner knows, if something is going to go wrong…it will. Everything has to be maintained, the running costs don’t go away. If you are in a commercial building, you have to stump up for corporation tax. That’s before utilities, insurance, rent if applicable, staff if any and maintenance….as well as the initial funding of gear. The issues that have arisen for ‘resting’ producers suddenly become extremely important. The costs need to be met. So what do you do?

It is a trade off between being able to work in the same place everyday…and ensuring you have the work to fill the place. Well, the easiest thing you can do, is handover the keys to a central booking service who will advertise your studio and rent it out whilst it’s empty. Which because there are inevitably no staff…..can be priced cheaper than a commercial studio resulting in downwards pressure on price.

It’s a tough one isn’t it? Do I help out my producer friends by providing a centralized service? In time, it will end up in further closures of studios. Deflation is inevitable…but you know the expression: when the tide goes out you see who’s wearing pants? Well, I believe the tide is heading out. Ultimately, though the market will decide. If clients want to pay less they get less. They get a set of keys and little support during the day. If they want a fully serviced facility..that costs more! Given the state of the industry…both can survive happily…but probably fewer of them

We are in interesting times and adaption will be the key over the next few years. Meanwhile, I will play aournd with my business proposal. I’m still not happy with the name ‘cocktail’ though. I was thinking more of a warm, malt and chocolate milk based drink…maybe a combination of Ovaltine and Chocolate

Got it! OVULATE! Excellent

TTFN

The Compressor

 Posted by recordpr at 11:56 pm  Tagged with:
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